I used to look at myself
in the mirror a lot trying to figure out who I WAS and who I WANTED to be.
It’s taken me almost 14 years to figure it out, that by dwelling
on the past, I am putting a hold on my future. I have to stop letting outside
influences define who I am. I’ve struggled with body issues for a long time and
because of this, I have felt awkward in some social situations and have a hard
time connecting with new people. I struggle with anxiety issues that make me
feel nervous or scared when dealing with some of the simplest things (i.e.
driving on the freeway).
I don’t always think I’m attractive or pretty. This may
sound silly, but I’ve only started taking selfies in the past year or so
because I have hated the way I looked. I feel like I have let myself down by
gaining 60 pounds since I’ve moved to North Carolina 12 years ago. I’ve
struggled the past 3 years trying to lose the weight and couldn’t find the
motivation to be consistent with a weight loss regimen. I’d been given
deadlines in the past by a doctor to lose a certain number of pounds by a
certain day, which not surprisingly had a negative effect on me. Every time one of those deadlines came and
went with no success, it made me feel like a failure.
Since the end of this past June, I have been eating a lot
healthier and have started walking again almost every night (treadmill or at
the park). I’ve lost a total of 5 pounds since then and I’m actually not upset
about the pace I’m going. I don’t need a deadline. I’m going to lose the weight
how I feel comfortable. One of my friends is on a weight loss journey herself,
so we encourage each other to go for our goals. It helps a lot when you have
someone who understands what you are going through—mentally and physically.
I’ve come to terms with the realization that I’m not going
to ever look like my 16-year-old self again and that’s OKAY!
This time I see myself how I should.
So who am I? Well, I am happy to admit that I’m a 30-year-old geek. I
play video games, read graphic novels and fantasy stories, have coloring books,
and still shop at Hot Topic. I also usually root for the underdogs or bad guys
in movies/stories because deep down I feel sorry for them…and, well, most of
the time they are pretty good looking! On
multiple occasions I tried to buy different types of clothing that looked “girlie”
and ALWAYS found myself feeling so uncomfortable when wearing them. If you look
into my closet now it’s pretty much back to my go to shades of blacks, reds,
and greens. Last year I bought a Jeep, a
vehicle that is not only fun to drive, but also makes me feel incredibly
safe. Because of this, Jeeptrice and I
have been on the freeway a few times with no anxiety!
By denying myself my true identity these past few years, I was
denying myself a real life. Now that I’m feeling more like normal, I am able to
enjoy the things and people around me a lot easier. Brandon and I have made a
pretty good life together so far these last 14 years—we’ve still got plenty of
years ahead of us, but I don’t feel scared about the unknowns anymore. Why?
Because this time around I’m just going to be me.
