Reflections and Revelations

I used to look at myself in the mirror a lot trying to figure out who I WAS and who I WANTED to be.

It’s taken me almost 14 years to figure it out, that by dwelling on the past, I am putting a hold on my future. I have to stop letting outside influences define who I am. I’ve struggled with body issues for a long time and because of this, I have felt awkward in some social situations and have a hard time connecting with new people. I struggle with anxiety issues that make me feel nervous or scared when dealing with some of the simplest things (i.e. driving on the freeway).

I don’t always think I’m attractive or pretty. This may sound silly, but I’ve only started taking selfies in the past year or so because I have hated the way I looked. I feel like I have let myself down by gaining 60 pounds since I’ve moved to North Carolina 12 years ago. I’ve struggled the past 3 years trying to lose the weight and couldn’t find the motivation to be consistent with a weight loss regimen. I’d been given deadlines in the past by a doctor to lose a certain number of pounds by a certain day, which not surprisingly had a negative effect on me.  Every time one of those deadlines came and went with no success, it made me feel like a failure.

Since the end of this past June, I have been eating a lot healthier and have started walking again almost every night (treadmill or at the park). I’ve lost a total of 5 pounds since then and I’m actually not upset about the pace I’m going. I don’t need a deadline. I’m going to lose the weight how I feel comfortable. One of my friends is on a weight loss journey herself, so we encourage each other to go for our goals. It helps a lot when you have someone who understands what you are going through—mentally and physically.

I’ve come to terms with the realization that I’m not going to ever look like my 16-year-old self again and that’s OKAY!

This time when I look in the mirror it's different.

This time I see myself how I should.

So who am I? Well, I am happy to admit that I’m a 30-year-old geek. I play video games, read graphic novels and fantasy stories, have coloring books, and still shop at Hot Topic. I also usually root for the underdogs or bad guys in movies/stories because deep down I feel sorry for them…and, well, most of the time they are pretty good looking!  On multiple occasions I tried to buy different types of clothing that looked “girlie” and ALWAYS found myself feeling so uncomfortable when wearing them. If you look into my closet now it’s pretty much back to my go to shades of blacks, reds, and greens.  Last year I bought a Jeep, a vehicle that is not only fun to drive, but also makes me feel incredibly safe.  Because of this, Jeeptrice and I have been on the freeway a few times with no anxiety!

By denying myself my true identity these past few years, I was denying myself a real life. Now that I’m feeling more like normal, I am able to enjoy the things and people around me a lot easier. Brandon and I have made a pretty good life together so far these last 14 years—we’ve still got plenty of years ahead of us, but I don’t feel scared about the unknowns anymore. Why?

Because this time around I’m just going to be me.

Four Years Later...

Has it really been FOUR YEARS since my last blog post? I have to confess that I was finding it difficult to keep up with my interests for a while and unfortunately one of those interests was writing. Okay, truthfully it was me letting my anxiety take over my every day--I lost interest in most things that I loved to do.  Work had become overwhelming and when I came home I didn’t want to do anything except sit on the couch and be a zombie. Anything other than my routine of eat, sleep, work was of no interest to me.

I am really disappointed that I allowed my fears to distract me from enjoying my life for the past few years.

But that was then and this is now—that’s kind of cliché to say but it’s true. I picked up a new laptop last week in hopes that maybe I needed a different medium for my creativity besides my old desktop or pen and paper. Now that I have a better grasp on my work-life balance, I’m excited to get back into writing and see what I can create! Stay tuned…

Sprecher Brewery: Milwaukee's Original Microbrewery

Sprecher Brewery has been creating fire-brewed and gourmet sodas for more than twenty years in the Milwaukee area.

In 1985 Randy Sprecher established Sprecher Brewery in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Their beer brews are inspired by those in Europe. Even his brewery is inspired by the microbreweries in Germany. Sprecher beers and sodas are all created in a hand-built, gas-fired brew kettle--this brings out the rich flavors of their ingredients. Because of their relatively small size, Sprecher is able to focus on creating high quality, rich tasting beers and gourmet sodas.

Tours of Sprecher Brewery in Milwaukee

Sprecher Brewery offers tours seven days a week, though reservations are required for all tours. Regular tours are offered for $4 for adults, $3 for seniors and $2 for anyone under 21. During the regular tours, adults can sample up to four out of the ten beers on tap and are able to sample all of the soda flavors inside the brewery's indoor beer garden.

There are also private reserve tastings on the weekends, comprised of smaller groups, which are $15 and are only for adults. With this tour, guests are given up to 10 samples of beer, each paired with a different cheese.

Sprecher also offers guests a chance to purchase their beers and sodas, along with a wide array of other Sprecher merchandise, in their giftshop, which is open daily.

Beers

• Year Round Brews: Special Amber, Black Bavarian, Hefe Weiss, Pub Brown Ale, and Light Ale
• Seasonals: Irish Style Stout (winter--St. Patty's Day), Mai Bock (spring/summer), Oktoberfest (summer/fall), and WinterBrew (winter)
• Premium Reserve: Abbey Triple, Pipers Scotch-Style Ale, Russian Imperial Stout (winter), Double India Pale Ale, and Dopple Bock (fall/winter)
• Limited Release, Gluten-free African Style Beers: Mbege (east Africa) and Shakparo (west Africa)
• Other Unique Beers: Barley Wine and Generation Porter

Gourmet Sodas

All of their sodas are sold in 16oz bottles vs the 12 oz bottles most sodas are sold in. This gives the buyer a better bang for their buck. Their root beer was also recently voted #1 by the New York Times and Imbibe Magazine. Sprecher sodas are all caffeine and gluten-free. While all of their sodas include Wisconsin honey and pure vanilla into their recipes, there are many other ingredients used in each soda to bring out that specific flavor (Ex: the Wisconsin cherry juice and ginseng in Ravin' Red).

Soda Flavors: Root Beer, Lo-Cal Root Beer, Orange Dream, Cream Soda, Ravin' Red, Ginger Ale, Puma Kola, and Cherry Cola.

**Flavors added after original publish date: Gorilla Grape, Strawberry Soda (Seasonal-Summer), and Red Apple (Seasonal--Fall/Winter)

But Sprecher Brewery does not just make beer and soda. They have expanded their magic to the production of an array of BBQ sauces, mustards, brownie/cookie mixes and bread mixes. Unfortunately Sprecher products are not available in every state yet--a list of retailers and wholesalers on their website makes it easy to find a local seller--but most of their products are available on their website.

With their commitment to their customers and the quality of their products, Sprecher Brewery will easily prosper another 25 years or more.

You can visit their website at www.sprecherbrewery.com

*this article was originally published by me on suite101.com on May 12, 2010

Memories for Tomorrow

For eighteen years

we have grown

and have been inspired.

When we fell,

someone was there

to help us on our feet.

Friendships were made

as secrets were kept.

While we grew older

Those friendships grew

as others were brought together.

There were those in our groups

who went astray

and some, who will never return.

 

As commencement approaches,

the child still in us doesn’t want

to let go.

Friendships will be lost,

as our innocence is left behind.

But as we walk away on that day

we each shall forge our own path,

with our future unknown.

Remembering

what we have gained

from these eighteen years.

Knowing

we must carry these memories on

for tomorrow.

 

*This was composed for the yearbook for the class of 2004 at Menomonee Falls High School, but I think it carries a message many new graduates can relate to year after year.

Bring it, 2011!

So it's been a while since I last posted and I can't say I have a valid excuse other than life has been a bit busy. There are so many New Year's resolutions to choose from and every year I try to come up with one that I'll stick to...so far that hasn't worked out too well. I think my best bet for 2011 is to become more motivated towards my goals. One of my goals was always to become a published writer. Last year I finally broke into writing online for suite101. But for 2011 I think I'm going to work on my other goal--cooking. I've been working on my cooking and recipes at home for some time now and reading up on what I can, but I think I want to pursue culinary school. Call me crazy, but it is something that has been nagging at me for some time now.

I don't know what it is about this new year, but I feel excited for what is to come!

Been a While

It has definately been a while since my last blog post. I've been writing recipes for my online articles and have been working my tail off at work. Luckily I have had some time away from work to be with family and friends. I was able to make it back home this summer, but still haven't made it to the beach. My busy work schedule should slow down around mid October when my work hours come back to "real time" haha. Until then, stay tuned; I hope to publish something soon!

Silent Stalker

Lurking over your shoulder
Gazing at you in the mirror
Seeking you
Wanting you
Pulling you near

Following at a distance
Not too far away
Behind you
Beside you
Shadowing your day

Greeting you in the beginning
Pretending to be your friend
Tricking you
Haunting you
Getting you in the end

* A darker theme than normal, but one of my favorites I wrote years ago. Can you guess who or what the silent stalker is? *

We the People

We the People
Ourselves
Are the world’s destruction
Spreading like a fire
Spreading like disease

We the People
Ourselves
Are the world’s confusion
Distorting our own morals
Distorting others beliefs

We the People
Ourselves
Are the world’s reminder
Of what it was before
Of what it’s going to be

We the People
Ourselves
Are the world’s hope
To learn from the past
To learn for the future

But We the People
Ourselves
Are the world’s soldiers
Fighting for our lives
Fighting for our freedoms

And We the People
Ourselves
Will fight for our freedoms
Until the dust settles
Until the sun sets one last time


*Another poem I wrote a few years ago for school, but has been reviewed and edited many times to get it to this draft--I hope you enjoy!

A Tribute to Boppa

A year ago today I lost someone important to me, my grandfather; or as us grandchildren called him--Boppa. Boppa was the kind of person who could always cheer you up and would always come to your special events. Always the giver of advice or opinion and even if you didn't agree you knew that what he had to say was important. Boppa was, and still is, a great inspiration in my life. He was a hard worker his whole life, making sure his family always came before himself.

When we were growing up, he would always give us grand kids a quarter if we finished our meal. It may not mean much to some, but to us those quarters mean so much more--never take for granted the little things in life.

I am so lucky to have been blessed to have him in my life. I hope that one day I can be as much as an inspiration as he was to all those he met.

I tried writing a poem for today, but there is so much to say about Boppa that for now this is what I have been able to compose:

...even though I had
to say goodbye,
You'll forever be
my angel in the sky...

Adventure: Fishing

So today was the first time I went fishing at a lake. I'd say this trip was a little overdue. My friends and I took the boat to Harris Lake for bass fishing. Sure, we didn't catch anything today but I was able to take something back with me. Fishing on this lake is a bit different than other lakes. How so? This lake is named after the Shearon Harris Nuclear Power Plant, which happens to be sitting right off the shore. When you travel through the woods and emerge at the bank, you are first hit by the amazing view of the sparkling water that seems to stretch forever. Then, in the background you see it--the very large cooling tower for the plant. I think what overwhelmed me today was the fact that such a large entity, a symbol of our modern technology, was situated in such a serene and seemingly untouched surrounding.

The Wolf and the Raven

On swift wings the Raven flies
soaring through darkness;
its wings carry it in the night.
The lone Wolf skulking through the woods,
seeking out its fate.
The Moon shining a silver gleam upon the Earth,
illuminating their paths,
following each others scent,
drawn by the aroma of the night.
The Raven diving through the canopy of the woods;
The Wolf hearing the movement of the trees.
The Raven floats to the forest floor.
Stopping, the Wolf glances up,
their eyes staring into each others souls.
The body of the winged death disintegrating,
its shape reforming into that of a man.
Walking over to the Wolf,
he places his hand upon its head.
The Wolf, staring into twin skies,
the man, lost in the creature's brown eyes.
The Wolf's body reshapes,
the eyes unchanging.
A woman kneeling at his feet.
Running his fingers through her hair,
their gaze uninterrupted by the world around them.
Grabbing her hands--pulling her to her feet,
bringing her closer to him,
bringing him closer to her.
Their lips touch,
feeling each other's energy.
Two bodies dancing under the stars,
the night the only witness to their love.

Into Oblivion

You secluded me,
Blinding me so I couldn't see
Anything but your hate.
You played with me,
Covering my mouth
So I couldn't breathe.
Cutting me,
Just to watch me bleed.
You laughed at me,
Letting my tears slide down
Into oblivion

*This was a poem my friend Sam and I worked on back in high school (only a few minor changes have been made)*

The Tempest

The storm approaches quickly
Rain suddenly falls down upon her
Thunder growls through heightened clouds
Lightning reaches across darkened sky
Flashes running through her mind
Chasing after memories
Echoes of childhood laughter
Remind her she is alone
She looks up in the sky
A stranger to her new world
Thousands of miles away
From a home she's left behind
Forgotten from the past
Living in the shadow of others
Still, no one knows her name

Poetry Anyone?

Naked Trees

Mother Earth has stripped the trees.
They shiver and huddle together.
Their summer garments thrown
to the ground
as children laugh and play
building hills
of their tattered garments.
What once was bright--
reds, yellows, and greens,
is now torn and rotting.
The cold, stiff ground
will take these back,
salvaging what is left
of their summer glory.
For the trees that survive
Jack Frost's bitter winter
Mother Earth will be kind
and weave them new garments
for spring.

This was a poem I wrote about 2 years ago. I've tweaked it a bit since then and thought I would add it on here because it reminds me of the cold weather we've been having lately.

Let's Begin!

I've been trying to find the real me for a long time now. I had a lot of goals I set out to achieve way back in high school (almost 6 years now); I've made some of them, but have been disappointed by the ones I have yet to make. The one goal that I haven't made was set a decade ago--live your life as a writer. Easier said than done for me. Once I set out on my own and started working that 9-5 job while also attending college full time, I unfortunately pushed that goal aside, and I am paying for that procrastination now. While a lot of my friends have finished school and are in the careers they set out for, I'm still floating through those aspirations I once was passionate about. Well I'm not going to make excuses anymore!

Let me make the first step in reaching that goal...no, that dream I have been striving for all these years. I hope this blog will break the ice on my writer's block and open new doors for my creative development. I have so many ideas for my works and I hope anyone who reads this will enjoy all I can offer. This blog doesn't really have a theme but who says creative writing needs boundaries anyway?